Is it at all surprising that online Great Wall info is also rife with ambiguity? But is there a better way to alleviate anxiety and more to the point husband my precious steps for the actual event than enfolding myself into the bosom of the Mubus family who will attend to every detail? Evidently all the 30 tourists currently in Beijing (apart from me and a fistful of Germans, none are from the West) have had the same idea, so here we are at the Dongzhimen subway stop waiting for the Mubus itself while our paterfamilias greatwallguidefred delivers an enthusiastic blow-by-blow of the upcoming day. What past experiences make fred so deeply skeptical of our aptitude? I might be by far the oldest but all the Germans look Matterhorn competent and the Indonesians at least are young. Just to make sure he gives us all numbers so we won’t get lost (I am number 11) and then repeats his instructions twice more, slightly differently each time. They don’t match any of the online maps so our anxieties are not alleviated.

One of many online maps of this part of the wall. They are all different and none resemble the reality on the ground (at all)

Not to worry! This is China so everything has been thought of. However solutions will inevitably be more complicated than strictly necessary. Indeed this one section of the wall has developed two independent sides. The East (privately run) has a chair lift (not on the map) and a rickety luge for the descent, while the West (government run) has a gondola and the only toilet (the others on the map are figments of the imagination). fred’s idee fixe that we will form an expeditionary force to tackle East and West sequentially is not going to work for me. Not only does having Matterhorners for company on the ‘Heroes circuit’ rather appall, but I hate both chairlifts and luges and am definitely going to need the toilet sooner than all these youngsters. So I bolt my surprisingly delicious Mubus family lunch and head out on my own, thwarting fred, who is trying to talk the Malaysians into to taking me under their wing. (They are eternally grateful since their honeymoon plans did not include a token grandma).

The Great Wall comes in three flavors: Badaling is touristy schlock, Jinshaling is unrestored and therefore a potential death trap. Like Goldilocks I go for Mutianyu, following in eminent footsteps (but I am more suitably dressed).

The chair lift up is as terrifying as anticipated, but fortunately a burly Tibetan is available at the top to haul me off safely.

There are many Great Walls around Beijing because each Emperor built his own (we shall see why later). According to fred, the Wall is at the juncture between the steppes and agricultural land, neither of which is evident from here.

I head towards the east, and its numerous design flaws become rapidly apparent

Chief among which is that it almost totally consists of vertiginous steps that must of course be tackled in both directions.

Many (but not all) of the treads are shorter than any normal foot, the step heights are random and the wall itself lurches from side. No wonder the Qing Emperor built himself another one as soon as he took control.

I coerce a friendly millenial to document the end of the East side before I turn round to go back.

Meanwhile the Jinshaling section snaking down from the top of the ridge in the distance does look distinctly death-trappy

From the top of the East side the West side comes into view

As anticipated I can break all the rules and simply walk from East to West thereby avoiding the dreaded chair lift or even worse, the luge.I eat a banana to encourage my heart

While this crew gets motivated with a few patriotic songs

This is the point where I decide that I am not after all a (s)hero

As consolation the Government (presumably) has festooned the bare trees with fake blossoms

The ride back down is satisfyingly sedate.

Four hours (and 170 floors) later I find I am the only one who has taken this at all seriously and even attempted both East and West: The Matterhorners started out with the Heroes circuit but then had to repair back down with exhaustion and never made it up again. I turn down the Mubus family tea ceremony in favor of beer and fred shuffles us all off to the bus. Except for the Malaysians (numbers 25 and 26) who are nowhere to be found.